Permission To Be Weak
Cancer sucks. God might be good, but cancer still sucks.
I know there is a time for praising Jesus and being thankful, but today was one of those days where it all just sucked a little extra. I’m hooked up to a stupid IV pole who I named Rodney and he goes where I go. I quite literally cannot walk, shower, or go to bathroom without Rodney. It’s like having an overprotective clingy boyfriend who doesn’t let you breathe. The humming of the meds dripping through the clear tubes is a constant reminder of the sickness that fills my body. Between the steroids and intensity of the liquids from my IV and chemo, I’ve gained 16 pounds of water weight in 2 days. Yep, you read that right. No one prepared me for my body looking like I am 3 months pregnant. You know that Michelin tire man that waddles? That’s me.
I can’t leave the oncology floor during chemo, yet they want me to walk. Annnd I can only walk the circular hallways .... 18 laps equals a mile.
I get bored at lap 3.
Not to mention that the four walls seem like they are closing in and my vitals are scary low. OH, and everything I put in my mouth either tastes like cardboard or makes me nauseas.
All of these facts are my new reality. Today my dad looked me in the eye and gave me permission to be weak if I need to be. To be honest. To share how I really feel.
And honestly, I can’t wrap my mind around the fact that two weeks ago today I was going to urgent care because of pain in my back. Yet now I am already on day 3 of chemo, swollen and nauseous and frustrated.
I know God provided in miraculous ways for me to get treatment so quickly. My family and friends have supported me in ways I never dreamed possible. The right people always seem to be here at the right time — and that feels truly incredible.
I think I’m starting to slow down and process the fact that I am 22 and battling lymphoma. It hurts because deep down I always assumed that youth and health were synonyms. And now that’s not the case.
So God is still good. And cancer still sucks.
