Just Jesus

I am only promised Jesus.

Something about this morning made everything real. I was sitting at our dining room table reading Ephesians, drinking my coffee, and gazing at the beauty of the morning light casting shadows across the room. I was pondering the verse: “Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us…“ I sat there thinking about how I have cancer at 22 years old and all the ways God is already using my story to share the gospel. I felt amazed. Then suddenly I started wondering when I would lose my hair so I googled my disease (which I had not yet done) and I started panicking. The more I read, the more fear gripped my chest. I started weeping and I couldn’t stop. I realized how little control I have. I hope to beat cancer, but even if I do I am not guaranteed anything. We aren’t guaranteed tomorrow. We aren’t promised health, or even life for that matter. I know that sounds really morbid, but it’s the truth. Amidst feeling the pain and panic of my reality, I uttered the name “Jesus.” Just the mention of His name between each sob began to calm my anxiety. I remembered that He is the one who holds my tomorrow and He is all that I can hold certain. I am only promised Jesus. 

So then I stood up off my bathroom floor (because my melt down made its way there) and I looked in my mirror and I made a deal with myself. First, no more googling cancer. Bad idea. It doesn’t bring anything life-giving. Second, I thanked God for the hair I still have and that my eyelashes are still long and beautiful. I decided that I am going to make the most out of the next couple weeks of it all being intact. I fixed my hair and put on mascara-- it’s the little things. And third, I decided that that I am not going to wait for cancer to be over for me to live my life. Today is just as good a day as any to LIVE. I thought about all the things that bring me joy: my family and friends, chocolate, sparkling lights, stargazing, sunsets, laughter, flowers. I made a pact with myself to live each day fully, finding joy in every way I can. We all need the healthy realization that we don’t know what will happen tomorrow and life is a gift. I have peace. God is at work in mighty ways through this and I truly am excited to see how the story unfolds. 

God is good.