Even In This

Last night’s sleep was restless. I tossed and turned as my mind raced about today’s appointments. Today I get my final PET scan. Today I’ll be given a verdict about my health. Is the cancer gone? Will I soon be well? The scan will shed light on the dark places within me, hopefully none of which are cancerous. It’s hard to not nervously anticipate the answers that lie ahead. 

It feels surreal to think about all the things that have transpired since April. Cancer diagnosed. Chemotherapy completed. Hair lost. Hot flashes endured. Nausea overcome. And fatigue still all consuming. Oh how my life changed in such a short amount of time... how I changed. Everything I thought I knew and believed— some things solidified; some things are now radically different. Regardless, I am not who I was just a few short months ago. Cancer dramatically altered the trajectory of my life. 

As I sit here processing all that has happened thus far and dreaming about the days ahead, it feels fitting to once again claim the phrase that has marked my journey: God is good. Even now, near the end of fighting a battle that has changed everything. Even though I feel marred and torn apart by the injustice of life. Even though I feel incapable of healing and doing squats and growing my stupid hair. Even though normalcy seems like a distant dream. Even as I anxiously await being told that the past few months of hell were worth it. Even in all of that, God is good. I believe those words with all that I am. I will claim it over and over as I restlessly await a new chapter, one filled with the word SURVIVOR.

Each one of you is fighting a battle of some kind, whether like mine or unknown to another soul. Maybe life too cruelly changed you. You are eagerly looking forward to being healed and “normal” again. Maybe you too feel oddly stuck between what was and what is to come. The broken and eerily difficult middle ground. Let me encourage you with this: because of Who is on our side, we will survive. We are not alone. We will overcome. And as we lean in, we will continue to experience how He is good, even in this.