My Vision

Independence Day took a whole different meaning this year. Instead of celebrating the beautiful freedom of our country while decking out in red, white and blue, I spent the day laying in bed and on the verge of throwing up. I actually missed the fireworks and time with family. My only awareness of the passing day was waking up on the 5th and seeing that “July 4th” had been replaced with a new day.

Ah another Independence Day, come and gone, and I was struck yet again with how desperately dependent I am right now. I need help getting around the hospital room. Eating. Showering. Unplugging my monitors. Replugging my monitors. Everything.

In some ways, getting cancer this young feels like I’m toeing a odd line. One side of the line represents the typical transition from college to adulting. The other side of the line represents something few of my fellow peers will understand or face for many years to come: cancer. I feel both left behind and lurched forward, all at once. My life feels out of balance in every type of way. Thus, I’ve been doing some deep thinking. 

I’ve been pondering thoughts full of heaven and earth and what makes them matter. What makes us matter. And why crappy things happen to seemingly underserving people. 

Amidst all of these thoughts, my favorite line from the hymn “Be Thou My Vision” has continued to drift to the forefront of my mind. It brings comfort to my soul, and might to yours as well.

“High King of Heaven, my victory won
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all”

I love that line: heart of my own heart, whatever befall. Still be my vision, O ruler of all. 

Ultimately, as a Christian, my heart is of His heart, so whatever happens —cancer or fill in the blank with your terrible circumstance— we get the opportunity to choose to have a kingdom oriented mindset. Even when I’m sick and feel trapped in this hospital. Even though I feel out of touch with the world around me. Even though I feel out of sorts in the most tangible types of ways (like walking through the grocery store in a mask and having people point at me).

Yahweh, heart of my own heart, whatever befall. Still be my vision, O ruler of all.